Blessing a Postpartum Mom
Do you remember what it was like right after you gave birth to your first child?
Yeah, me neither.
But seriously, there are so many hormones, emotions, decisions, procedures, etc. with having a child, and with your first one there's this immense pressure you have to deal with on top of it all:
I have to care for this child now. Me. Not my mom, me.
Needless to say, having a child is intimidating. It's terrifying. And it's, amazing.
Did you know in many cultures around the world, the mother is heavily cared for for 21 to 30 to even 40 days postpartum? The mother is cared for, kept warm, kept fed, and is highly encouraged to just rest. Can you imagine 40 days of just snuggles? 40 days of the community around you taking turns tending to the cleanliness of your house, your hungry belly, and you're overall well-being? That's basically only a dream for the majority of us women here in the US!
Why is it only a dream? Because we've grown to set expectations on ourselves that bypass healing and go straight to "oh wow, did you see so-and-so? She's back to work already after 4 weeks! That's amazing!"
But, is it? It's it really an amazing feat to deprive your body of healing?
Short glimpse of my own personal story...
I went back to work just 4 weeks after having my second child.
Babe and I chugging along at my office
As a business owner and healthcare worker, I felt that pressure that everyone else needed me to heal quickly. I was, ok, resting some when I needed to. But I could tell my immune system was exhausted from not getting a chance to rest. I was sick often; and eventually also developed a sort of rash/irritation in my nether-region that became so intense at night the only thing I could do was sit. Some nights it woke me up. I distinctly remember one night sitting on the floor in child's pose crying, and crying out to God to remove this thing from my body. Fast forward a few more months, nothing improved too much. One day I was feeling sick, again, only this time a slow rash started to develop over my entire body. And a high grade fever. For a few days, we fought the fever at home, but eventually ended up in the ER.
There I was then placed into quarantine for 2 days to rule out measles. 4 days I was there, and the only answer they found was a positive strep test. To say my immune system had a freak out moment over simply strep is an understatement. But, from that moment, my focus was on me. As it should've been long before that.
I share that story because it's a dramatic version of what can happen if you don't care for yourself after carrying, birthing, and feeding another human being. More commonly you see mom's struggling with immense fatigue, with depression (that they don't talk about), with thyroid issues, with weight issues, with immunity issues, with pelvic floor issues, and the list could go on.
So how do we fix this?
We support and encourage moms and each other to rest, heal, and to give ourselves permission to not be superwoman.
How else can you bless a new mama? Here are some more tangible ways other than verbal encouragement:
Bring her and her family food (refer to my post about mom's eating initially postpartum). Check with mom what kind of foods she'd like, if there's allergies, etc.
Offer to clean her house (and don't ask, because she'll probably say no, but just say "I'd like to help you with this, is there a good time I could swing by?") My mom was naturally amazing at this after both my boys were born. She dusted (a house that never gets dusted) and I remember her baking a lemon meringue pie just to keep her hands busy while treating us to something yummy!
If she has older kids, offer to take them for a few hours so she can rest and focus on just the one.
Ask if you could stop by to help watch all the kiddos for a bit while she shower, takes a bath, or does a little self-care.
Offer to do a load of laundry or dishes or both.
Offer to help if she needs to get out to do errands, but is slightly overwhelmed at the idea of managing baby (and potentially more) while out in public.
Create an at home date night mom and dad could enjoy while baby sleeps (and again, offer to watch older kids).
Simply, check in on her. Like, wholeheartedly. Many mothers will ignore signs of postpartum depression because they're ashamed or maybe don't realize their body is waving signs. Offer a listening ear if mom sounds overwhelmed. Offer a shoulder if everything just seems to suck and she wants to cry but is afraid to. Let her truly know she can come to you if there's a issue.
What are some things to avoid doing?
Showing up unannounced.
Showing up empty handed (refer to #1 from above)
Visiting with the sole goal of holding her adorable new baby. She may not be ready to share her babe but doesn't want to say that. She may also feel more obligated to turn on her hostess skills if you're holding the baby.
So there you have it! Nothing overly complicated, but it's these little things that can save a mother from drowning in her own expectations.
Lastly, I want to share a few books for mother's to be to help you prep for your time with baby earth side and for those looking for more ideas on how to bless a mom in your community:
Is there something someone did to help you after you had a baby that has stuck in your mind as being such an incredible gift to you and your family? Let us know!
Here's to starting a new culture,
